i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
