I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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