They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
