so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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