did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
