Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
