I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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