dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
