So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
