he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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