when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
