I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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