It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
and you fell through a lawn chair
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
