Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
