Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
We smell like vodka and hangover
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