We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
