why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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