Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
last night I used snow as a chaser
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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