as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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