Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
