I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
