I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Randomize
