I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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