i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
