I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
