Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
