Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
