So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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