K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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