I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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