he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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