I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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