You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
