He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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