i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
