Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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