I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
