I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
