I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
