no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
