The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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