smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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