Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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