I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
