I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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