my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
