Just fell off a train. Bad.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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