Only a mothe r could love this liver
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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