I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
