My underwear smells like fireworks.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
