now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's blow job season.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
