Your face is a jimmy john
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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