I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
