I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
