Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
