if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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