wanna go halves on a baby?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
