I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
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