Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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