News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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