that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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