Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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