you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
