The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
