My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
