I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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