Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
