If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
