I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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