I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
