On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
