I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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