How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
