I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
