Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
