Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
